Shards
by quillow
Summary: Everything has changed for Harry after fifth year. Overcome by feelings of regret and feelings of guilt, he is wasting away at the Dursleys until finally two people read between the lines of his letters and come to the rescue. Order of the Phoenix Spoil
1. Reading Between the Lines

Title:  Shards 

Summary:  Everything has changed for Harry after fifth year.  Overcome by feelings of regret and feelings of guilt, he is wasting away at the Dursleys until finally two people read between the lines of his letters and come to the rescue.

Spoilers: Well pretty much building from all the books, but ESPECIALLY BOOK FIVE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ BOOK FIVE, IT WILL BE SPOILED FOR YOU.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing, Warner Brothers, and Scholastic. Please do not sue me, I'm not worth much and am going to be a struggling college student next year.

Authors note at the end.

Dedication: To Christina who was my first Harry Potter friend, and to Anita who was my first beta reader.

*

SPOILERS FOR HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX AHEAD, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

*

Chapter One

Reading Between the Lines

In the smallest bedroom of Number 4 Privet Drive, lay a skinny 15-year-old boy with messy black hair and startling green eyes.  His name was Harry Potter, but at the moment he wished he could be anyone else, any other person.  If he could be any other person he wouldn't have to feel the terrible pain and agony inside him.  A pain that constantly wore down on him and threatened to bubble over.  He was confused by it.  

            He rolled over on his side and stared out the window.  The sun was just rising, and the horizon was turning a light pink.  Soon his uncle would be getting ready for work.  Soon Dudley would be on his bike and wreaking havoc with the neighborhood kids.  Soon Aunt Petunia would be calling him down to breakfast.  She would just call him once, but he wouldn't come.  He couldn't bear to eat with this empty hole inside of him.  He couldn't pretend to function unless being told to by his friends or a concerned adult.  Life, it seemed, didn't matter to him. Sirius was gone.  

            He absently traced the pattern on his comforter with his finger.  'If I had learned occlumency as I was supposed to… If I had just not trusted Kreacher… If I had just opened the damn package with the mirror inside…' Harry was on his back now, having trouble swallowing, looking up at a watermark on the ceiling, 'Sirius wouldn't be dead!'  He heard his Aunt descending the stairs to make breakfast.  He suddenly felt like throwing something, but didn't have the energy to actually reach for something and throw it.  

            Harry closed his eyes and traced his scar with his finger.  As usual it was faintly stinging.  It hadn't stopped throbbing, really, since that awful night barely two weeks ago.  He just wished that he could get the events of that night out of his head.  Last night's dreams had been particularly awful.  Sirius' look of fear and surprise as he fell to his death behind the veil.  Harry had struggled against someone holding him back: Lupin.  Lupin's voice breaking as he tried to explain to a hysterical Harry that Sirius was gone.  Harry knew that Sirius wasn't gone, he could hear him calling him, from just behind the veil.  He tried to struggle out of Lupin's grip.  "Let me go! Can't you hear him?  I hear him!"

            "No, Harry!" Lupin had said.

            "Let me go!!" Harry shouted once again.  He had turned around to shout more at Lupin but he was surprised to see that it was Bellatrix Lestrange holding him back.  She laughed cynically as he made frantic movements to get away from her.  Harry had woken up in a cold sweat and hadn't been able to sleep since.  

            Harry rubbed his tired eyes with his hands.  'If only Dumbledore had killed me while Voldemort possessed my body.  It would've ended it.  I would've seen Sirius again,' Harry thought unpleasantly.

            "Boy!" His aunt called from downstairs, "Breakfast!"

            He rolled back over onto his side and looked out the window again, his mind in a hazy stupor.  He noticed Hedwig sweep into the open window after a long night of hunting.  She perched on Harry's bedside table and nipped his fingers affectionately.

            "Hello," Harry said softly.

            She hooted softly in response.

            He heard his uncle lumbering down the hallway, and then there was a hard knock on his door.  Harry heard the door open, and he rolled over on his side to see his uncle standing in the doorway.  "Boy! Didn't you hear your aunt call you to breakfast?" 

            "Not hungry," Harry muttered.

            "Suit yourself! Just don't tell those _people _we're mistreating you.  We can't help it if you're not hungry.  We're not going to force food into you!" And with that, Uncle Vernon slammed the door behind him.  

            Those people to who Uncle Vernon referred were members of the Order of the Phoenix who had threatened the Dursleys if they had found out Harry had been mistreated.  They wrote him letters every three days, expecting a response, if they didn't get a response they would come immediately.  So far he had received 5 letters and had sent 5 return owls back to the Order.  Just yesterday he had received this letter:

_Dear Harry,_

_            How are you, dear? Are the Dursleys treating you all right? Make sure you are eating enough.  We're trying to get you here as soon as we possibly can.  Try to keep your chin up until then.  Please write back._

_            Love,_

_            Molly Weasley_

It had taken all of Harry's strength to write back:

_Dear everyone,_

_            I'm doing okay.  I'm having loads of food, don't worry about sending any!  The Dursleys haven't really bothered me.  I hope I see you all very soon._

_            Sincerely,_

_            Harry_

Harry hoped that they could read between the lines and figure out that he was desperately miserable.  Yet he still couldn't figure out if he wanted to be left alone or be with his friends at this time.  Hedwig flew over to her cage and drank from the water dish.  

            Hours passed, and he was called down for lunch. He didn't go.

            More hours passed, and he was called down for dinner. He didn't go.

            There was a soft knock to his door and he heard it open.  He didn't even bother looking to see who it was.  Darkness had fallen over the room; he hadn't even concerned himself with turning the light on.  He couldn't remember the last time he had been out of bed since returning back to Privet Drive.  The lights were suddenly turned on, and Harry squinted his eyes.

            "Boy, you have to eat something," He turned to see his aunt carrying a food tray.  "Please, Harry, please I don't want you to starve while under our care."

            "All you care about is a whole group of wizards coming after you!" Harry growled.

            His aunt pursed her lips and set the tray down with an audible "clang" and left the room with a slam of the door.  Harry sat up and looked at the tuna fish sandwich she had left him.  He took a bite from half of it, and chewed very slowly.  He was almost done with the half when his scar throbbed again and he suddenly felt very nauseous.  Harry left the sandwich abandoned on the night table.  The clock read only 7:30 but he thought of trying to sleep, because he was very tired.  Harry turned on his side and curled up into the fetal position, feeling nothing but an empty ache deep within him. 

            Just before he closed his eyes he heard a doorbell ring downstairs.  He heard the door opened and muffled voices speaking downstairs in the entranceway.  Harry hadn't known that the Dursleys were expecting anyone.  A few minutes later he heard unfamiliar footsteps on the stairs, and an unfamiliar and soft knock on his door.  He twisted to look back at the door as he heard the doorknob turn.  

            "Harry?" He heard someone call gently. Harry's heart skipped a few beats; the voice belonged to Professor Lupin. Sure enough Professor Lupin walked in, a concerned look upon his face.

            "Professor Lupin," Harry whispered, feeling his voice catch.  There was someone else moving in the shadow behind Lupin.  Harry was completely surprised to see Professor Snape enter the room. "Professor Snape?"

            "Potter," Snape said curtly.

            "What are you doing here?" Harry asked.

            "We are checking up on you.  Your last letter seemed a little off to us.  Especially since you said you were eating loads when we know that Dudley must still be on his diet and that means you would still be on the diet," said Lupin.  Lupin and Snape stared at him.  Harry knew he must look awful.  He hadn't combed hair in a very long time, he hadn't changed his clothes in a while, and he couldn't quite remember the last time he had taken a shower or had eaten a good square meal.  He made to get out of bed, but when he tried standing his scar pulsated and he felt very woozy. Harry felt himself being forced to sit back on the bed by Lupin's surprisingly strong grip.  He heard Lupin murmuring something to Snape, but couldn't quite make out the words.

            "…Dursley says he's been laying in bed since he got home… won't get up for meals… hasn't eaten barely anything… seems a bit disoriented… take him to Grimmauld Place?" Harry heard Lupin say.

            "I think so… overestimated his ability to overcome… being with his aunt and uncle doesn't seem to help… already has lost weight."  Snape was talking in his usual gruff hiding-his-emotions voice.

            "Harry?" Lupin's face floated into focus in front of Harry, "Harry, how do you feel?"

            "Sick," Harry said truthfully.  

            Snape came over and took Harry's arm and pressed a finger into it to see the elasticity of his skin. "Dehydrated…" he muttered to Lupin, he put his hand to Harry's forehead and Harry shivered, "and feverish. Go get a glass of water."

            Lupin left the room.  Harry found himself staring directly into Snape's coal black eyes.  "When was the last time you ate a decent meal, Potter?" Snape sneered.  Harry shrugged.  "When was the last time you got a decent night's sleep?" Snape asked.  Harry shrugged again.  Lupin had returned with the glass of water.  Snape took it from Lupin and placed it in Harry's hands.  "Drink," he instructed Harry.

            Harry dutifully drank the water, hoping Lupin and Snape did not notice that his hands were shaking slightly.  "Harry," Lupin said, still looking concerned, "We're taking you back with us to headquarters."

            Snape stood up and began to pack all of Harry's belongings away.  Lupin stood up and picked up a piece of paper on the floor.  He pointed his wand at it and said, "_Portus._  All set Severus?" Snape nodded his head, "Okay, up you get, Harry."  Lupin helped him stand up, and once again Harry felt woozy.  Remus helped to support him.  "All right Harry, we'll be traveling by portkey."  Remus smiled wanly at Harry and held out the piece of paper to him.

            'Great,' Harry thought to himself, 'They think I've gone nutters. Maybe I have gone crazy.'  Snape stood beside him and also grabbed the portkey.  

            "One… two…three…" Lupin said quietly.  

            Harry felt the familiar sensation of a hook being jerked behind his navel.  The smallest bedroom at Number Four had disappeared, and he was flying forward in a vortex of color.

TBC

Author's Note: After a very long time I am publishing fanfic by myself again.  I have another story with my fiend, yes you heard right, Christina.  It's under the name Nuwanda Quillow and is called Disengage.  Read it if you'd like.  I don't know if or when I'll be continuing this because it's utter crap.  Review if you like it, but no flames please.  I will, however take constructive criticism.  Leave a note if you think you may want to beta read as my usually beta reader seems to have fallen off the face of the earth, where the heck are you Anita?


	2. Fevered Regrets

Title:  Shards 

Summary:  Everything has changed for Harry after fifth year.  Overcome by feelings of regret and feelings of guilt, he is wasting away at the Dursleys until finally two people read between the lines of his letters and come to the rescue.

Spoilers: Well pretty much building from all the books, but ESPECIALLY BOOK FIVE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ BOOK FIVE, IT WILL BE SPOILED FOR YOU.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter et  is the property of JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing, Warner Brothers, and Scholastic. Please do not sue me, I'm not worth much and am going to be a struggling college student next year.

Authors note at the end.

Dedication: To Christina who was my first Harry Potter friend, and to Anita who was my first beta reader.

*

SPOILERS FOR HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX AHEAD, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

*

Chapter 2

Fevered Regrets

Harry's feet hit solid ground and his knees buckled slightly.  Lupin reached out and steadied Harry to some extent.  At once, Mrs. Black began a long and loud tirade against the people who had disturbed the peace of her house, "Filth! Scum! Begone ingrates!! You do not belong here!  How dare you muck up this house! TOUJOURS PUR, I SAY, TOUJOURS PUR!"

"Do try and control yourself," Lupin said evenly. 

"TOUJOURS PUR!"

"Shut up, you infernal woman!" Snape bellowed.  Snape helped Lupin force the curtains shut around the picture, and she finally stopped screaming.

"Are you trying to wake the children up? For Merlin's sake…" Molly Weasley was standing at the end of the hallway, about to continue her scolding of the two adult men.  She noticed Harry standing there and rushed over to give him a hug.  

"Harry, dear, we didn't know you were coming _tonight,_" she glared over at Lupin, her eyes demanding an explanation.

"We thought it best if Harry came with us tonight.  He could spend more time with Ron and Hermione, when she eventually comes.  I'll talk to you about it later," Lupin explained.

Harry felt himself beginning to loose his temper, he did not feel like being coddled at the moment. Harry's head, however, was still aching, and he suddenly felt very tired as he leaned more of his weight into Mrs. Weasley.  He unexpectedly felt very dizzy, like the whole floor was moving from underneath him.  "Harry, dear, are you all right? You look a little peaky," Mrs. Weasley held him away from her so that she could get a good look at his face. She gently stroked his face with the knuckles of her hand, "He's a bit feverish."

"Yes, we know.  He's also a bit dehydrated," Lupin exchanged a concerned look with Mrs. Weasley.  

"Well, instead of standing around and stating the obvious I think it would be best if Mr. Potter got to bed.  Preferably in a guest room by himself with no one to disturb him," Snape said coolly, "You know how to reach me if you encounter any problems.  If his fever hasn't gone down by tomorrow I'll bring a fever reducer with me to the meeting."

"Yes. Thank you, Severus," Lupin said.  Snape scowled as he apparated.

"I'll go prepare a bed upstairs for him; the guestroom second from the left should do," Mrs. Weasley hurried upstairs to prepare the room.

"Come along, Harry, we'll get you upstairs for a good night's sleep." Lupin was half dragging him up the stairs.  Harry had to concentrate to put one foot in front of the other.  He was so sleep deprived. It felt as if he hadn't had a decent night's sleep in over two weeks.

Soon he found himself sitting on a comfortable bed, the covers pulled back.  Lupin handed Harry another glass of water and once again instructed him to drink.  When he was about halfway done with the glass he leaned back against the pillows and felt his eyes start to droop shut, and his fingers around the glass relax.

"Watch it!" Mrs. Weasley said urgently.  Lupin caught the glass before it splashed over the bed.  Harry began to drift in a state between sleep and wakefulness.  He felt Mrs. Weasley remove his shoes.  "Poor dear," she tutted, "it looks as though life has stood on standstill for him for two weeks.  He's in desperate need of sleep, food, and a good washing."

"Exactly why Severus thought we should bring him back now.  Petunia Dursley said that he has barely eaten anything and has really just laid around in bed all day.  When we saw him it was obvious what was wrong.  He's not coping.  We've all mourned, we've all cried, that's what Dumbledore thought Harry was going to do when he locked Harry in his office.  Harry was just angry and then Dumbledore said he just shut down," Lupin whispered to her.  

Harry wished that he could just drift into sleep, he couldn't stand that he could still hear them talking about him.  He felt Lupin's strong grip around his shoulders as he was lowered down onto the pillows, and tucked into bed.  A callused hand rested against his warm forehead and then ruffled his hair affectionately.  

"Sweet dreams, Harry," Mrs. Weasley said softly as she and Lupin left, leaving the door open a crack behind them.

Harry felt the darkness of real sleep take over.  Suddenly, he was having tea with Cho at Valentine's Day; a cherub was throwing red rose petals on them.  Cho smiled wickedly at him as she turned to start kissing Roger Davies.  The red rose petals suddenly turned liquid.  Harry watched in horror as he noticed it was blood, he looked up at the Cherub who was now Ron who was wrestling with a brain.  Harry began to run, run away as fast as he could. He noticed with terror that he wasn't running away from his fear, he was running directly into the death chamber.

 "NO!" Harry screamed as Bellatrix Lestrange missed Sirius with one curse.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" Sirius' face broke out into a boyish smile, egging Lestrange on.

"Harry."

"NO! Sirius, no!" Bellatrix's next curse did not miss, Sirius' body arched as it started to fall.

"Harry!"

Harry was running; trying to do something, anything, to prevent what was about to happen.  Harry watched with utter terror as Sirius disappeared from behind the veil.

"HARRY!"

Bellatrix loomed over Harry and grabbed him by the neck, shaking him, slowly suffocating the life out of him.  Harry needed to scream, but couldn't.  Her eyes flashed, "HARRY! HARRY, WAKE UP!" Her mouth was open, but Lupin's voice was coming out of it. She was still shaking him though.

Harry woke with a start, covered in a cold sweat, tangled in his sheets.  Lupin was standing by his bed, an anxious look on his face.  Harry felt absolutely wretched.  He shuddered and felt as if he was going to loose everything in his stomach.  He gagged, but nothing came up.  Lupin helped sit him up. "All right, Harry?"

Harry shook his head no; he wanted to say that there was something desperately wrong.  Everything was desperately wrong.  He couldn't find any words.  "Harry, it's not good to keep everything bottled up inside.  It'll eat away at you."

"I'm not keeping anything bottled up," Harry hissed.

"Harry, he's gone. Sirius is gone. You need to accept that and the sooner you do the sooner you will be able to start getting over it."

"I can't, I'm empty inside."

"You're not empty inside," Lupin said, shaken, looking into Harry's eyes. Harry shrugged.  Lupin sighed as he put his hand up to Harry's forehead to check for fever. "The nightmares have been keeping you up?" Lupin asked trying to prevent the worry from creeping into his voice. Harry nodded slowly. "We don't have any dreamless sleep potion right now, but I'll contact someone to bring some."

"Thanks," Harry whispered.  

"I suppose you don't want to try to go back to sleep?" Lupin asked hopefully.

"No."

"Well, it's early morning, but you could get washed up before everyone gets up and starts to use the bathroom."

"Are you trying to tell me something?" Harry said crossly. 

"Don't take that tone with me, Harry," Lupin said calmly, "I just thought…"

"Fine," Harry was too exhausted to argue.

Lupin walked with him to the bathroom and filled the tub magically with warm water, before leaving he spoke up, "Right back to bed with you after this though, you still have a bit of a fever.  Call if you need anything."

Harry snorted, 'Yeah right, like I'd call someone to rescue me while I'm in the bathroom.  I'm not a child.'

He undressed and got into the bathtub, relishing the warm water.  The water seemed to wake him up a bit, yet relax his tired body.  He lay there for a few moments relishing the silence.  He finished up by washing his hair, lowering himself completely underwater, and wishing he could permanently stay there. He threw on a robe and headed to his room.  He dressed into pajamas, glanced at the clock; it was 5:30. He lay in bed and started reading _Flying with the Cannons _for the umpteenth time_. _The words started to blend together, and he suddenly felt very cold and very meaningless.  The book slid from his grasp and he just lay on his side and stared at nothing in specific and thought about nothing in particular.  At around 6 there was a soft knock on the door.

 "Harry?"

Lupin entered the room and strode over to Harry's bed.  "Harry?"

"Mmph," Harry mumbled, and drew the covers closer to him.

Lupin lay a hand on Harry's head again and sighed. "Your fever is up. Not to worry, fevers are usually worse in the morning hours anyways. Arthur?"

Harry didn't bother telling Lupin that he like the disconnected feeling the fever gave him.  

Harry heard Mr. Weasley enter the room, "Yes, Remus?"  
            "Harry's fever has worsened; I'm going to see if Severus can bring a fever reducer, can you stay with him?"

"Yes, of course." Harry heard Lupin leave. "Hello Harry," Mr. Weasley said gently.

" 'lo Mr. Weasley," Harry murmured.   

"Sorry I didn't get to see you last night, I was on duty."

"S'okay," Harry didn't feel like keeping up the conversation, and just continued to stare numbly at the intricacies of the wallpaper.  

Harry lay quietly there, suspended between thoughts.  He heard Remus return. "Said he'd be here soon. He's going to bring a few things and inform Albus."

"Good, he looks terrible," Arthur said.

"I can still hear you," Harry mumbled a bit testily.

"Sorry, Harry," Arthur said with no real conviction.  Lupin placed a cool cloth on his aching forehead and Harry sighed.  Harry felt time pass like nothingness, voices passed in and out of his head like a badly tuned radio, "…go meet Severus… any moment now."

"…Brought potions you needed… I'll administer them." Harry didn't know when exactly Snape had entered the room. "Potter, Potter, sit up these will make you feel better."  Harry forced himself to become more lucid for fear of being helped to sit up.  He focused on Snape's scowling face.  

"Professor…" Harry said as Snape handed him the first potion. Something was weighing heavily on his mind.

"This potion is to lower your fever," Snape said clinically.  

"Professor…" Harry started again.

"Drink it," Snape demanded and Harry shakily drank it.

"Professor…" Snape had already handed him the next potion.  

"Shush Potter!" Snape spat, "This is a nutritional supplement. Drink it."

Harry looked mutinously at Snape, but reluctantly drank this potion as well.  Snape handed him the next potion.  "This is for dreamless sleep."

"Professor…" Harry slurred angrily.

"What, Potter, what is it that could possibly need any of my precious time?" Snape said with barely contained fury.

"I'm sorry Professor… I shouldn't have gone into your pensieve."

"Drink the potion, Potter," Snape sneered.

"I should've tried harder with occlumency, if I had…"

"Drink the potion!"

Lupin looked at Harry worriedly; he was afraid that Harry's words were just fevered ramblings of guilt, and he did not want Harry to feel guilty. "Harry, shhh, just take the potion."

"Don't you dare shush me!" Harry continued dangerously on, "If I had learned occlumency, none of this would've happened." Harry's heart was heavy with guilt and grief.

"Potter, drink the potion," Snape ground out, "You do not know what you are going on about."

Harry drank the potion reluctantly, looking darkly at both Snape and Lupin. He did know what he was talking about, damn it.  There had been so many opportunities for him to prevent what had happened.  Didn't they understand that? 'No one understands. If they knew how many opportunities that I had to prevent this from happening, they'd hate me! Ron and Hermione would hate me.  Mrs. Weasley would hate me.  Lupin would hate me,' Harry thought heatedly. Sleep overpowered his thoughts and darkness claimed him

TBC

Author's note- Much praise to my beta reader, Wolf of Solitude, she helped out so much!!! Read her stuff, it's absolutely brilliant.  Once again we are left with a completely crappy bit of writing by yours truly.  It's really like an angst trash novel.  Quite terrible, embarrassingly so.  But hey, I love angst so I try and make it as angsty as possible.  Though this chapter didn't really go anywhere.  I'm not quite sure where this story is coming or when the next part will come out.  Please read and review, flames are unacceptable, but I will always be happy to receive constructive criticism (Jeanne- the only reason Snape was there was because he was sent with Lupin by Dumbledore.  Since it's from Harry's POV you'll find out about this later.  I appreciate the comments though!!).    Thanks to the lovely people who reviewed Chapter One: Audiaa2 (Yes, I got third honors at science fair, I took physics this year and loved it.  I'm graduated and going to college in the fall and hope to take physics for my science course since it's fresh in my mind!), Englishgirl, Sarabi Dances off Cliffs, Jeanne, Anime No Megami, and snuffles.  Much appreciated!

Quillow


	3. Sleep Walking

Title: Shards 

Summary: Everything has changed for Harry after fifth year. Overcome by feelings of regret and feelings of guilt, he is wasting away at the Dursleys until finally two people read between the lines of his letters and come to the rescue.

Spoilers: Well pretty much building from all the books, but ESPECIALLY BOOK FIVE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ BOOK FIVE, IT WILL BE SPOILED FOR YOU.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing, Warner Brothers, and Scholastic. Please do not sue me, I'm not worth much and am going to be a struggling college student next year.

Authors note at the end.

Dedication: To Christina (I miss you soooo much!) who was my first Harry Potter friend, and to Anita (I miss you like mad as well!) who was my first beta reader.

Chapter 3

Sleep Walking SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1  

The corridors were dark. That is all he knew.  The corridors were dark and he was sliding on a cold floor.  He didn't understand how he got there.  He didn't understand why he was on the ground.  He didn't understand what was happening.  His mind was cloudy.  The corridors were dark.  That is all he knew.  All he knew was that he was moving, moving, moving.  Where was he going? What was the hurry? His mind was cloudy.  The corridors were dark.  That is all he knew.  

            "Harry?" There were arms around his waist, "Harry! WAKE UP!"

            Harry snapped open his eyes.  He was standing precariously at the top of the staircase of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. His heart was beating wildly in his chest. "Harry! What do you think you are doing?" Harry realized that Lupin had a tight hold on him.  His head began to pound in time with his rapid heart rate.  His stomach felt very upset.

            "Harry? What just happened?"

            "I dunno," the words sounded stupid and awkward to his own ears. Blackness was creeping around his vision.  There was a strange high-pitched laughing engulfing him.  With fear he realized it was coming from his own mouth and he couldn't even control it. He wasn't in control of his own body.  Terror struck.  He began to struggle in Lupin's arms.

            "Harry! Stop struggling, I'm trying to help you!"

            _"Don't touch me, werewolf!" _his voice hissed, sounding foreign to his own ears.  Lupin held onto him harder.

            "Harry, what?" Harry felt like his entire body was revolting against him, his scar was pulsing so badly with pain that he was afraid it would cleave his head in two. Lupin turned him around and looked into his eyes, "Harry...?  Sweet Merlin, no! No! Severus! SEVERUS, I NEED HELP!" Everything was becoming so foggy.  He was drifting.

            "What is it, Lupin? What on...How long has he been like this?" Harry saw Snape in front of him.

            "Potter?" Snape placed both his hands on either side of Harry's face, looking intently into his eyes.  Harry's scar burnt with renewed pain, "Listen to me! You have to clear your mind. He's in your mind.  Listen to me, Potter! Focus on my voice and fight him out!" 

            He was in his mind?  The maniacal laughter continued from his mind, "_Stupid boy! Foolish boy! Your mind is weak, ruled by emotions.  Your godfather would still be here if it wasn't for your weak mind.  You killed him..."_

'No! Get out! Get out, you bastard!' He felt sweat pouring down his back.

            Laughter was spewing from Harry's lips. This couldn't be happening, this thing wasn't going to take over his mind, not if he could help it.

            'LEAVE.... ME... ALONE!'  His scar burned painfully and the laughing stopped.  He felt himself fall to the ground.

            "Well done, Mr. Potter," Harry was laying on the floor.  Snape's face came into hazy focus in front of him.  He felt Snape's fingers at his pulse point.  His scar continued to burn furiously as he began to gag.  Strong hands rolled him onto his side as he proceeded to lose the contents of his stomach.

            Snape's voice sounded very distant, "Call Albus..." a hand was on his back, "Take deep breaths, it's going to be okay."  His thoughts were becoming muddled and his mouth tasted tinny.  The world was blurring around the edges, he closed his eyes and floated into nothingness.

*     *    *

            "It is our worst fears realized, the Dark Lord has been able to access his mind."

             Harry heard voices just beyond his realm of consciousness but felt too weak to make much sense of them.      

             "How could this have happened?" The voice was worried; Harry placed it as Mrs. Weasley.

            "His immune system has been compromised after everything that has happened to him in the past month.  He also is emotionally unwell.  His barriers are down, and he doesn't even realize it," The voice was clinical, and monotone, definitely Snape.

            "What about the sleep walking?" Another concerned voice, Lupin this time.

            "I believe it is a cause for concern.  If Voldemort could make Harry sleep walk, into such a precarious position as the top of the stairs, we have to always make sure someone is with him at all times while he sleeps," this new voice was full of worry and dismay.  It was Albus Dumbledore.

            "What do we need to do to help him?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

            "We have to help him heal and come to terms with things as best as he can.  He needs to get stronger and resume Occlumency lessons with Severus," Dumbledore answered.

            Harry became enraged. "We'll just see about that," he thought, "I _am _dealing with things as best as I can and I am doing a _fine _job of it.  What does _he _care for, anyways?"

            "I think he's waking up.  Harry?" Lupin was gently shaking his shoulder.

            "I must go, I will be in contact with you all shortly. Remus, can I have a word with you?" Harry heard the swish of Dumbledore's long robes as he and Lupin left.

            "Just like Dumbledore to run away and not face me like a man," Harry thought.  He groaned as he became more aware of all the aches in his body.  It felt as if he'd fallen from his broom during a Quidditch match. 

            "Harry, dear, wake up," Mrs. Weasley encouraged.

            Harry cracked open his eyes and immediately closed them again as the bright sunlight that was in the room aggravated his sore head.  Mrs Weasley stood up and closed the curtains, as Harry opened his eyes again.

            "How do you feel?" Snape asked, his face betraying no emotion.

            "Like shit," Harry groaned.  Snape handed Harry a phial of green liquid. 

            "It's for your head." Harry drank it without question.  

            "I'm going to wrangle up some food for you," Mrs. Weasley bustled out of the room.  Snape sat in a chair beside Harry's bed.

            "So, Potter, do you understand what happened?"

            "Yes, I could hear you talking, you know. I'm not stupid," Harry was annoyed by how Snape was treating him.  One of the only constant things in his life was that Snape always despised him.  He didn't want that to suddenly change, he needed something in his life to always be the same.  He didn't want Snape to start feeling bad for him.  It was his fault they were in this mess anyways.    

            "Potter? What is your problem?  Why have you worked into your head that you could have prevented what has happened to your fool of a godfather?" Snape sneered.

            "He wasn't a fool! This _is _my fault.  You don't know... you don't know the half of it.  And it's my burden to bear."

            "As long as it is your burden to bear, you will be susceptible to more of these mental attacks by the Dark Lord.  You will be putting everyone here, including yourself, at risk. You have to deal with how you are feeling."

            "I am dealing; I'm dealing with it just fine!" Harry raised his voice.

            "You aren't as long as you're blaming yourself!" Snape raised his voice to match Harry's.

            "I told you, it's my fault that Sirius died!" Harry felt his face getting hot.

            "Then SHOW me! Let me into your mind so I can see for myself what happened.  Let me be the judge.  You told me that if you learned Occlumency none of this would have happened.  PROVE IT!" Snape raised his voice even more.

            "FINE!" Harry shouted before even thinking.  

            "Fine! Clear your mind, don't try and block me." Harry didn't realize what he'd gotten himself into.  Had he just given Snape permission to break into his mind and see how guilty he was of killing his godfather?  Damn it.  There was nothing he could do to take it back, so he took some deep breaths and cleared his mind.

            "Are you ready?" Harry nodded, "Remember, don't fight me on this."

            Harry felt Snape enter his mind.  He was reliving it again.  There were the numerous failed lessons of Occlumency with Snape. Sirius was slipping Harry the package containing the two-way mirror. His conversation with Kreacher, and Kreacher was lying about where Sirius was. Sirius was fighting with Bellatrix. Sirius was falling behind the veil. "No, I don't want you to see this!"

            Lupin was holding him back.  He was setting the Cruciatus curse on Bellatrix.  It was all rushing forward now.  His body being taken over by Voldemort, and he was wishing that Dumbledore would kill him. Now he was in the hospital wing with Hermione and Ron.  He was holding the wrapped package of the mirror.  The mirror was in his hands.  The mirror. And only his face was reflecting back out of it as he called Sirius's name.  Harry's mind felt violated. "Stop, I don't want you to see this!" Harry thought pushing Snape out with all his might. 

            Snape toppled from his chair and stood up quickly looking at Harry, his lips pressing into a thin line.  

            Harry felt sick with guilt, "You see? It was me. I have caused my own agony."

            "Potter..." Snape began.

            "No, you hate me, remember? You hate me and this should make you hate me even more! Leave me alone, and go away."

            "Potter..." Snape tried again.   

            "I don't want your pity. I hate you! Go away," Snape looked at him startled, and turned to leave, "GO AWAY!" The glass of water that had been on Harry's bedside table suddenly shattered into a thousand pieces as the door slammed behind Snape.

Tbc (who knows when?)

A/N: My word, I have a lovely set of reviewers.  I love you all so much and would thank you all individually but it is 3 in the morning and my vision is going dim.  I appreciate you all lots!!! I'm so sorry this took so long.  I've started college and the amount of work really cramps my style.  Then I worked on the Dean campaign all winter break.  Then I got sick on spring break.  Then I lost a big hunk of a chapter when my computer got a virus and I lost everything including all my pictures from the Dean campaign.  So this chapter is unbetaed and a thoroughly apologize for its randomness.  I'm sad because I feel it isn't as good as it was when I first wrote it and lost it to the virus.  I'm really sorry if it is crap… I wrote this in limited time tonight and just want to post it, and since my brain feels occluded (lol) it might be utter crap.  I'll probably regret posting in the morning lol.  Please review (no flames! But I don't mind constructive criticism).  I hope all is well w/everyone!


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